This programme containssome strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Hello and welcometo what they call a show.

I think you all know why I'm here.

I could have beenon Strictly Come Dancing or onI'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here,

but I wanted to put myselfthrough the most degeneratingand debasing show of them all.

Let's play Never Mind The Buzzcocks!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, on Phill's team tonight...

# The morning's on its way... #

He's an exceptionally nice man, he'sserved his country with distinctionand written music adored by millions

but Buzzcock rules are Buzzcockrules, so here's a man onlythe public likes - James Blunt.

APPLAUSE

It's one of those new comedianswith a strange name. I'll probablynot understand a word the man says.

But I'll do the old avuncular smileand nod thing just to encouragethe lad. It's Rufus Hound.

APPLAUSE

And on Noel's team...

# Oh, mayhem... #

She's young, she's Irish.She's trying to repair some of themusical damage caused by Jedward.

From Dublin's fair city, it'sMolly Malone... No, Imelda May!

APPLAUSE

She's the only thing I listen toon Radio 1 these days.

Modelled herself on Tony Blackburn.

And in the dark with the lightbehind her, she's not unlike him.

It's Radio 1's Edith Bowman.

APPLAUSE

So, we begin with Guess Who.

Phill, James and Rufus,take a look at this.

# Hello, hello... #

He's the world's biggest rock starwith the conscience of a saintand the glasses of a Chilean miner.

The biggest thing to comeout of Ireland since Shergar, Enya

and the international fiscal crisis,it's 'Bonio'!

# Don't blame it on the sunshine... #

The best band ever with Fivein their name, numerically strandedbetween The Fun Boy Three

and The Temperance Seven,it's Michael, Tito, Jermaine

and two otherswhose names escape me.

It's The Jackson Five.

That was The Jackson Five withBlame It On The Boggie...Boogie

and U2 with Vertigo.

But now here's the question, lads.

Who once wrote a brand-new forewordto the Bible?

Bono or The Jackson Five?

Well, it's not going to be him.

-Not Bono.

-With the glasses and thefact that he's as powerful as he is,it says Bond villain to me.

'I'm Bono.' All he needs is a catevery time he does those gigs.

Just in a huge, round chair.'I've been expecting you...'

'I should bloody hope so, Bono.It was 60 quid a ticket!'

If you are the Bible's publishers...

Yeah.

..who I believe is God, which oneof them would have got the gig?

-Does he have a publishing wing?

-Well, he's omnipotent.

So he has distribution,he works in the warehouse,he signs the cheques.

That's really the beautyof being God.

As a one-man band goes, omnipotenceis very much your calling card.

He's going to go with whichever onesings the most about lovebecause God is love.

'And whomsoever lives in love livesin God and God lives in them.' 1 John4:16. I like the way you're thinking!

-I'll take this to a lower level.

-Must you?

-I was going to speakto James and bring him in.

-Oh, God!

-You're a notorious playboy...

LAUGHTER

This is a note from my mother.

What is the secret of your successwith women, James?

-I'm a lesbian.

-Ah!

And much bigger with no clothes on.

You're too quick for me, James,I'll tell you that!

Thank God you've got two fellasas slow as anything beside you!

Terry, you're smashin' it tonight.Absolutely smashin' it.

-Which is popular talkfor ruining it?

-No.

-It means you're doing well.

-Thank you.

I've done quite a few panel showswith all different sorts of hosts.

Normally, if they have a go at you,you want to fight back.

-But when Terry says the thing,I sit here thinking,'You're right, I am...'

-BLEEP

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What kind of a persondo you guys think I am?

Can we have an answer? Is itThe Jackson Five or our 'Bonio'?

I think that if God had tried to getin touch with Bono to write theforeword, he'd have only got his PA.

Bono once... This is a true story.

I'm going to name-drop likean idiot, but Bono rang me up once.

I don't know how he got my numberand I stupidly thought it wasone of my mates mucking about,

so I was like, 'Yeah, whatever...'

And it was him, but I went to him,'That's not evena good Irish accent, you dick!'

LAUGHTER

And it was him!

Did he happen to say...

-IRISH ACCENT:

-'Noel, I've been askedto do a foreword to the Bible'?

Listen, if this is the first roundand it's taken this long,

we won't be out before Christmas.

-Gentlemen?

-You think it's Bono.

-I'm going to go for Bono.

-Bono.

-I hate to say it, but you're right.

-APPLAUSE

Bono once wrote a forewordto a book of the Bible.

A little known fact here -Bono actually appears inthat painting of The Last Supper.

He's there on the end,sitting on the 'Edge'.

LAUGHTER

-Noel, Imelda...

-Yeah.

-Edith...Look closely at this.

# We can get a sensual seduction... #

He was Snoop Doggy Dogg,then Snoop Dogg, then Snoopand now Snoop Dogg again.

At last, sense has prevailed. Raisea hind leg and salute Snoop Dogg!

# Sensual seduction... #

And she kissed a girl and liked it,then she kissed Russell Brand andliked that as well for some reason.

It's equal opportunitiestonsil jockeyand California girl Katy Perry.

That was Katy Perry withCalifornia Girls and Snoop Doggwith Sensual Seduction.

But who tried to hirethe entire country of Liechtensteinfor a video shoot?

Was it Katy Perryor was it Snoop Dogg?

-Is it a big countryor a small country?

-It's aboutthe same size as Limerick.

Liechtenstein is a great placeto hide your money.

How do you go about hiringan entire country?

Is it like one of those extrasyou get on a website when you book aflight? 'You want a car, a country?'

Who do you phone upto hire a country?

-It's a weird video. She seesa walking jelly tot...

-It's awesome.

I'd quite like to meet a walking...

It walks overand she looks a bit frightened,

then as a natural reaction,shoots Nesquik out of her tits.

LAUGHTER

-I would go for Snoop.

-Really?

-Yeah.

He has the best microphone I've everseen. Sorry, Terry. I know you're alegend when it comes to microphones.

At Glastonbury, he had this diamantemicrophone with a knuckle-dusterhand grip that came on.

You do see some interesting mics,don't you?

I was just thinkingit's another world for me.

Lou Reed had a gold microphone.

-You did a duet with Lou Reed,didn't you?

-I did.

Just got backand he ordered in this microphone

and it was apparently pure gold.

-Solid gold?

-Solid gold.

I like to imaginethat he said it was solid gold,but it was actually chocolate money.

Do you think C3PO looks at Lou Reedwith his gold microphone and thinks,'Looks like he's giving me a blowy'?

-I had no idea before I met you...

-Sorry, Terry.

-..just the depthsof your depravity.

-Sorry.

I was going to say to you,any tips, as an Irish woman,on getting on here?

-No.

-In this country?

No. I've... No.

LAUGHTER

-Cos you're really struggling,Terry(!)

-Yeah.

-You really need the help(!)

-You're a knight. We should call youSir Tel.

-No, you shouldn't.

-Can we though?

-No, you shouldn't.

Does it slightly turn you onwhen people call you Sir Tel?

Oh, let's not talk about me!

Come on, you guys.

When you're made a 'sir',do they give you any jewellery?

Come to my dressing room afterwardsand I'll show you.

-Can we have an answer?

-All I canthink about now is Lou Reed singinginto C3PO's penis.

That's all I can think about.

R2 would be next to him,going, 'Oh...'

'Oh, Mr Reed!

'You just keep me hanging on!'

Of course,king of the robot blowies - Henry.

LAUGHTER

Do you live on your own?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Enough of the society entertainment!

Can we have an answerfrom the more logical side here?

-I'm going to leave it to...

-Snoop.

-Snoop.

-Yeah.

-OK, you're right.

-Yes!

-That's a point each.

APPLAUSE

The answer is Snoop Doggonce tried to hire Liechtensteinfor a video shoot.

In 2008, Snoop's tour buswas raided and police foundstrippers, marijuana and booze.

It reminds me of the time we tookthe old Radio 2 Roadshow down...

to Cirencester.

Let's just say nobody was in bedbefore nine o'clock.

At the end of that thrilling round,it's a point each to Noel and Phill.

APPLAUSE

I've had a missivefrom Linda in Tring, wonderingif we're having another round?

Are we...?

-We are.

-LAUGHTER

It's the Intros Round.

Phill and James,here are yours for Rufus.

Now...I'll hand you the card,the magic card.You've got to perform for Rufus.

Rufus, as ever, perceptiveand the ears of an owl.

One, two, three, four.

-# Boom-boom, ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

-Ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

-# Boom-boom, ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

-Ba-da-da-da-dum

-Tch!

# Oh! Oh! Oh!Boom-boom, ba-da-da-da-dum

-# Tch!

-Oh! Hey!

-# Ba-da-da-da-dum... #Will you concentrate?

-No idea?

-# Ba-da-da-da-dum...

-Tch! Tch! #

# Seh, seh, ho, ho! #

-This is not working.

-He's got Tourette's syndrome.

-What do you think, Rufus?

-Uh... I've genuinely forgot it.

-It's tough.

-Bowman has got it so much,she's dancing to it.

-Yeah, I know.

-# Tch! Tch!

-Da-da-da-da... #

I've got the militarybehind me now and...

There's a certain amount of pressureto get this right soon.

Go on, James,tell me he's beautiful.

APPLAUSE

I know who it is. I clearly knowthe song. I don't know the nameof The Stone Roses classic.

-It's Phill...

-Everybody in Manchester is like,'What a fucking wanker!

'That's why we should haveall the telly up here,

'so then we can make EastEndersmore like fucking Shameless.'

That'd be good for a week!

LAUGHTER

Oh, Fools Gold. No... Fools Gold.

D'you know,you're absolutely right.

APPLAUSEWell done.

Here is how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS:'Fools Gold' - The Stone Roses

You got that right, but you cannever gig up north again.

With a group of people lookingat me, going, 'But he's not talkingabout things at the end of my road!'

LAUGHTER

If you like that, go and watch PeterKay. He's brilliant at remembering.

-What about the next one then, lads?

-Are you ready for that one?

-Yes, I am ready.

-OK...

-Were you in the cavalry or not?

-Can we dim the lights?

-Ride me, ride me, ride me.

APPLAUSE

Wow!

The last person to do that to mewas Brian Kennedy.

-Shall we sing the song now?

-I'm a devil for the balladeers.

One, two, three, four...

# Dang-dang, dagga-dagga-dag-dag

# Dagga-dagga-dag-dagDagga-dagga-dag-dag

-# Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

-Daa-aan...dan-dan

-# Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

-Daa-aan....dan-dan

-# Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

-Daa-aan...dan-dan

# Dan-dan...dan-dan

-# Dan-dan...dan-dan

-Dagga-dagga-dag-dag

# Dan-dan... #

# Don't cryDon't change your eye

# It's only teenage wasteland... #

-So the song is called...?

-Baba O'Riley by The Who.

APPLAUSE

This is the only programmethat combines pop musicand the Horse of the Year Show.

Two correct, Rufus. Well done.

Here, friends, ishow it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS:'Baba O'Riley' - The Who

# Out here in the fields... #

So that was The Whowith Baba O'Riley.

Pete Townshend suffersfrom tinnitus,

an annoying, monotonous buzzingthat sounds as if it's comingfrom the base of your skull.

If you want to know what thatsounds like, tune in to Chris Evanson Radio 2 every morning.

APPLAUSE

Just fooling around here...

Fools Gold by Stone Roses.

Mani from The Stones Rosesdescribed today's music

as 'a torrent of mediocrity, dull asdishwater, safe and unimaginative.'

Did I tell you of my new collectionof favourite tunes?

Last year, The Stone Roses'Ian Brown was woundedby an on-stage attack.

Louis Walsh had told him,'The song choice was all wrongand you just didn't own it!'

Noel and Imelda, here are yours thatyou're going to perform for Edith.

I don't think I'm ever goingto get that image of you doingLouis Walsh out of my head.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, you don't have to ride melike a greyhound. It's fine.

-I'll sing your bit,then we'll swap, yeah?

-Yeah?

-# De-de-de-de-de... #Yeah?

-All right.

That's like when you givea really small child a simple task.

'You can't cook dinner with me,but if you hold this wooden spoon...

'Then we can saywe cooked dinner together.'

# Doooooo

# Doo-dooooo

-# Ba-da-da-da-daaa

-De-de-de-de

# Ba-da-da-da-da-da-doo... #

-OK, yeah.

-OK...

# Ba-da-da-da-dooBa-da-da-da-da-doo... #

Is it Rod Stewart?

Yes!Yeah... >

# My heart is here tonight

# Time is on my side... #

Ohh!

-# Do-do-do-do-doo

-De-de-de-de-de... #

Stop singing, stop singing!

-# Do-do-do-do-doo... #

-Terry, make it stop!

You know when you get...

LAUGHTER

-Something like My Heart Is HereTonight?

-Oh, Edith, Edith.

Dave Lee Travis would have knownthe answer.

Yes, but he's 105.

The answer is Young Turks.Here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS:'Young Turks' - Rod Stewart

# Do-do-do-do-dooDo-do-do-do-doo.... #

Couldn't get the words.

# Billy left his homewith a dollar in his pocket... #

Well, it has its own elusive charm,certainly.

OK, Noel, next intro, please.Good luck to you, Imelda.

-# Doo... Do-do-do-do-do-do-doo

-Nana-nana-now-now, bow-wow-wow

-# Ooh, yeah!

-Now-now-bung-tch

-# Wa-wa-nama-now-now, now-now-now

-Tch, tch, tch

# Jigga-doo-doo... #

You know this.I know I know.I just can't say the words.

-# Now-now-now... #

-We'reon a different tune.

-# Oh, yeah! #

# Nana-nana-now-now,bow-dow-dow-dow

# Bung-tch... #

ALL JOIN IN

-# Boom-boom-boom

-Tch!

-# Na-na-na-na-na-na

-Bom-bom, bom-bom-bom

# Bom!

# Na-na-na-na-na-naBom-bom-bom... #

OK, OK!

I tell you something, Terry. Theydidn't get audience participationwhen Amstell was in the chair.

He hated people.

After this show,I'm not that keen on them myself.

Edith, you won't get this.

# Edith, I've hidden the answerin my labyrinth... #

It's David Bowie. Is it Ziggy?

-Ziggy what?

-Stardust.

-You got it.

APPLAUSE

This is how it should have sounded,he said bad-temperedly.

INTRO PLAYS:'Ziggy Stardust' - David Bowie

-That was weird.

-You had a brain snap.

-Totally.

# Ooh, yeah... #We got that bit. >

# Ziggy played guitar... #

-What an idiot!

-That was David Bowiewith Ziggy Stardust.

After a difficult interview, I cameclose to slapping David Bowie.

I can't tell youwhat I thought of him,

but I almost blanked himin the blankety-blank,the totally blankety-blanker!

And we also heard Young Turksby Rod Stewart.

Rod Stewart is a 65-year-old man.He's expecting his eighth childby four different women.

I don't know,youngsters these days!

Now, my mail bag is bulging.

I think it's boredom that brings iton. What everyone wants to know is,'What's the next round, Terry?'

Let me get you off your tenterhooksby telling youthat it's the Identity Parade

and this week,we've made it a Eurovision special.

ALL:Ooh!

So, Phill, James and Rufus, howabout some '90s Eurovision rap, eh?

For the audience only,here's Love City Groove.

# In the morning

# When the sun shines

# Down on your body

# I know we're really making love now

# We're really making,we're really making

# We're really making,we're really making

# We're really making,we're really making,we're really making love now... #

That was Love City Groovewith...Love City Groove.

How do they think them up?

Which of our line-upis the singer Paul Hardy?

Is Number 1 Paul Hardy?

Is Number 2 Laurel and Hardy?

Is Number 3 Kiss Me Hardy?

Is Number 4 Hardy Har Har?

LAUGHTER

Or is Number 5Hardy Worth Getting Out Of Bed For?

It's not Number 4. He's comestraight out of a Chilean mine.

-SOUTH AMERICAN ACCENT:

-'I will do the Buzzcocks this week.'

Number 3 is an Elvis impersonator.

-Do your Elvis impersonation.

-Hecan't move or do anything you say.

You can't come here, James Blunt,with all your fine waysand try and make the rules.

I apologise.

LAUGHTER

James is slightly reeling becausethat's not his family tartan.

Number 1 kind of looks the most...

-It's clearly Number 1, isn't it?

-I think it's Number 1.

Would the real Paul Hardystep forward now?

APPLAUSE

Performing Elvis in his tribute showElvis - What If, Paul Hardy,ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

-That's what James said.

-Yeah.

-For Noel, Imelda and Edith, howabout some Eurovision '80s pop?

-Yes!

For the audience only, Bucks Fizz.

# And try to lookas if you don't care less

# But if you want to see some more

# Bending the rules of the gamewill let you find the oneyou're looking for

# And then you can showthat you think you knowYou're making your mind up... #

That was Bucks Fizz with Making YourMind Up, so Noel's team, which ofour line-up is singer Cheryl Baker?

Is it Number 1,Making Your Mind Up?

Number 2, I've Made My Mind Up?

Number 3,I Definitely Know Who It Is?

Number 4,I'm Having Second Thoughts?

Or Number 5, Oh No, It's Number 2?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

She's laughing, she's laughing.

She's laughing. It's Number 2.She's laughing.

What do you mean,'It's Number 2, she's laughing'?

Do you mean the one that looksexactly like Cheryl Baker?

You can't see what we can see.It's like sort of transsexualFrank Zappas. It's terrifying.

People that haven't got HDTV thinkthe Nolans are back together!

They are!

I think it's Number 2.They all look very good...

What do you mean, you THINKit's Number 2? It's Number 2!

The one that looks like Cheryl Bakerthat in his introductionTerry said it was!

-OK, let's find out.

-Wait a sec. Terry, easy!

-For God's sake!

-Let me just...

-We want to make sure.

-I've got theauthority of a seven-year-old girl.This is ridiculous. Edith's useless.

You're dressed as a ladybird.It's Number 2!

Number 2. Would the realCheryl Baker please step forward?

-It's Number 2.

-APPLAUSE

Now touring with The OriginalBucks Fizz, Cheryl Baker,ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK... The fax machineis overheating with requeststo know what round it is.

I can tell you... I can.

-It's Next Lines.You're in the lead, Phill.

-Yeah.

-So you go first.

-Thank you, Terry.

-Your time starts now.

And from this envelope from whichI tear the questions feverishly...

# Congratulationsand jubilations... #

-'I want the world to knowhow happy I can be.'

-That'll do.

-Cliff's looking well these days,isn't he?

-Finally, his facehas caught up with his bollocks.

# BBC...

# Radio 2! #

APPLAUSE

Royaume-Uni...

Nul points!

# You're beautiful,you're beautiful... #

I know it.

# You're beautiful...

# It's true... #

No.

The answer is,'And so are you, Terry.'

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

APPLAUSE

-Look, they're running awaywith this.

-We only need 47 to win.

-Come on. Pull yourselves together.

OK, your time starts now...As if we were keeping to a time!

Come on.

-'Ziggy played guitar...'

-Oh, not again!

It's 'Jammin' goodwith Weird and Gilly'.

You got it right, Edith.My goodness!

Fantastic. It was'Jammin' good with Weird and Gilly,'David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust.

Loveable chap that he is.

Was it that bad an interview?Come on, tell us.

-Yeah.

-What did he do, Terry?Show us on the puppetwhat David Bowie did to you.

Sometimes you want to knowjust a little bit too much.

'He's the devil divine,I'm so glad that he's mine...'

-AS DAVID BOWIE:

-I don't know this one!

-'Cos he's my big, bad, handsome man.'

-Yeah, of course, that's one ofyours, Imelda. # Blankety Blank...

-# Blankety Blank. #

-Correct.

-AS DAVID BOWIE:

-# Blankety Blank... #

That would be brilliant ifDavid Bowie presented Blankety Blank.

-Just on it.Terry should present it.

-Sorry.

# Ziggy played... # Blank.

You're only delaying this cosyou know they're catching you up.

# Maybe I didn't love you...

# Quite as oftenas I should have... #

# That is correct,all available on this... #

LAUGHTER

'You're answering questionsthat have not yet been asked...'

-AS DAVID BOWIE:

-It was a shit interview, Terry.

-Afterwards, you called me a prick.

-I should know this one.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

Oh, no way!

APPLAUSE

And so drained of all emotion,we come to the final scores.

Noel with 9,

Phill, an even more magnificent 10.Phill's the winner.

APPLAUSE

So, thanks to Phill and James andRufus and Noel, Imelda and Edith.

This has been...Never Mind The Boo Radleys.

I used to be Terry Wogan.

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Subtextfor Red Bee Media Ltd 2010

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